#12 Creepy Crawlies= YIKES! Or do they?

Greetings from the keyboard, everyone!
I'm trying more and more to keep up with writing this blog but it's just so hard sometimes to think of what to write about! I sit and ponder for minutes at a time, thinking my very hardest of things that you guys would find fascinating AND fun ("Pat, why don't you just write about cupcakes then?" I KNOW, right?! :P)
While porpoises are interesting, fun, amazing, unique, entrancing, and the sole reason I cut, there is only so much I can write about them before I want to MiX iT uP! So, for this VERY SPECIAL post, I will be writing about...

....



...



...


...

Wait for it...


...



...


...

"Spit it out already, ya doofus!"



OK! OK!

This post is going to be about...

CREEPY CRAWLIES!!!!!!

"No way! I can't wait! You're hot."

I wanted to show you guys some pictures of:

1: The Prettiest

2: The Cutest

3: The Biggest

4: The Scariest

5: The Whackiest

and

7: The Grossest

creepy crawlies in the world!!!!!

Here we go!

1: The Prettiest-

The Orchideous Mantis!

A truly beautiful predator that waits in flowers for its prey! 

2: The Cutest-

A baby jumping spider! 

This little guy is the definition of a Q-T!

3: The Biggest-

The Atlas Moth!

At 14 inches across, the Atlas Moth is the largest moth in the world!

4: The Scariest-

The Huntsman Spider! 

What if you wiped with it?



5: The Whackiest-

A Praying Mantis!

What in the hail does this lil' fella think he's doin?!

Catching a cab?!

6: The Grossest-

Immigrants!

These creepy crawlies are not only gross, they're ruining our economy!

KILL THEM ALL.

Well, that wraps up this post! I hope you learned a thing or two about some very interesting invertebrates, and maybe you were even a little inspired to go exploring species on your own! The insect world is a wonderful and weird place that we humans are still learning much about. Unlike ethnic integration/equality, bugs shouldn't scare you because they are a natural part of our ecosystem and an essential factor in the equation of all living things! Be mindful of that the next time you go to squish that spider in your kitchen, who is only eating all the grimy bugs trying to eat the food in your cabinets. You should leave the spider be, because in a way, spiders are like border patrol; keeping things the way they should be...

forever.

...

'Til next time!

-NutzAboutPorpsANDbuGz09

#11 Catching up PLUS Reviews!!!

Hey Dudes and Dudettes! How's it flippin'?! :P

It's been an H-E-double C-K of a long time since I've updated this and you're probably thinking:

"You're so hot. Date me"

Whoa! Easy! This is a clean blog people! ;)

All joshin' aside, I haven't really gotten around to updating this for 6 Major Reasons:

1.) I've moved home from the University for summer vacation! Yahhooo!! :)

2.) I don't have internet at home currently :( Yeah it stinks, but I'm grateful for everything else I have!

3.) I've been travelling all over the state to keep up with my friends from school. They're da BeSt!

4.)My Pelvis was crushed in a car accident. I had reconstructive surgery and am glad that everyone is ok!!!! 

5.) I was raped by my mom's boyfriend post-surgery, which rebroke my pelvis and required another operation.

6.) I'm ADDICTED to the New season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! I mean Khloe; can you even believe her?! :P

In other news, I've been receiving a lot of reviews about my blog! SOOOOO exciting! 

Not everything was good, but you know, you take things with a grain of salt and you get better :)

Here are some things people have said! 

"Your blog is about porpoises..."

-Kaitlin Shultz

"I'll look at it later."

-Cat Abood

"That's funny! Oh, I wasn't talking about your blog. 

 I was thinking about something that happened in the Hangover 2."

-Nate Dicken

"Don't mention me in it."

-Carole Ivan

"Patrick, I said that I would look at it later. Let go of my arm."

-Cat Abood

"Your blog rocks! Can I go now?"

-Sam Stefanak

"Please. You don't have to do this. 

People will be looking for me."

-Cat Abood  (R.I.P)

"Patrick. I know you know where Cat is.

Please... We need closure."

-Sarah Hess (R.I.P)

"Hey man. Sorry to hear about what your 

mom's boyfriend did to you. How's your pelvis?"

-Luke Null

"I don't care that you're already hurt.

That's what makes it feel so good."

-Mom's boyfriend

"Why can't you just give us

closure?! Oh and I really like your blog 

by the way. Cetaceans? Pretty neat stuff!"

-Mary Abood (R.I.P)

Great to know that I ACTUALLY have readers! 

My next post will hopefully be more informative, and who knows? It might have to do with other animals I find interesting (creepy crawlies, anyone?) I'm not just a one trick pony, ya know! haha lol jk :P

C U L8r! 

<3 Ready2Write :)

FUN FACT #11:

- "The Cove" is a documentary about the poaching/slaughter of dolphins by Japanese fisherman and NOT a love story about Dakota Fanning learning life lessons from a disabled dolphin while on vacation with her foster parents. Either way, I came buckets.

#10 A History Lesson

'Sup guys!
Haven't posted in a while so I thought this time I'd fill you in with a quick lesson in sea mammal history!
Porpoises haven't always been as cute and playful as they are today. If you believe in evolution (meaning you aren't some no-life, corn-fed, inbred, retarded scumcunt) you will find this very insightful!

During the Miocene epoch, the time period that ranged from about 23 million to 5 million years ago, there lived one of the earliest cetaceans, Eurhinodelphis. It was very similar in size to porpoises and dolphins of today, reaching a little over 6 feet long. What was so interesting about it? Its snout (or beak in cetacean terms) was elongated like that of the bill of a swordfish and was very sharp, which it used to swipe at prey. This menacingly dangerous protrusion was not the only thing that made it terrifying, though.
















According to this artist's depiction, it also was also colored with cheap rose art colored pencils and had Gilbert Gottfried eyes...

Wow. Gilby's eyes are more Gilbert Gottfried-y than Gilbert Gottfried's

I didn't know sea mammals could have down syndrome!

Probably better that it's extinct then, huh?

Have a great week!

:P

FUN FACT #10:

- Sometimes when I think about porpoises, my gums bleed.

#9 .,-*^*-,..,-*^*-,. Inspiration .,-*^*-,..,-*^*-,

I hope you guys are enjoying my poetry lately! I don't want to over do it with all of these poetic entries, but I became VERY inspired the other day to write a poem that I think y'all will enjoy!
A lot of my poetry may be very serious in tone, but I can write happy poetry to0! :)

Summer Sassin'

By Patrick White :)

Sittin' outside

lemonade in hand

you say 

"Hey, I'm going in"

"No!" I say

I'm fun and feisty

I'm always

Summer sassin'!

Sittin' in doors

on the couch

you say

"Hey turn the tv back on! I was watchin' that!"

"No!" I say

It's so nice outside

Don't look now! I'm

Summer sassin'!

Lowerin' into the ground

Mom says 

"Patrick, your father loved you very much"

"No!" I say

It's too nice outside to just be layin' 'round!
Don't be a bozo! Start

Summer sassin'!

You are why I cut.

Have a great day, ya'll!

<3 Pat! :)

FUN FACT#9:

-Porpoises are very playful and are very friendly towards human interaction! But, they are still wild animals, so remember that they deserve their space ;P

#8 Solid Poetry.

Hey y'all ;p
How are you doing? How was your day?
 I just ate a turkey wrap with HOT SAUCE! (yow)

~AnywH0z~
I thought I'd start incorporating some different things into this blog.
I've posted poetry before, but I would like to start posting pictures and then using said picture as inspiration for an on-the-spot poem!
I know, you're probably/most likely/definitely/please be saying,

"WHOA! How's he gonna do all that?! I love him a lot. 

He should call me more"

My answer to that is: 

"I would like to start calling you more" 

These pictures/poems won't necessarily always be about/of porpoises, but most will.
I'm gonna show you things you've never even thought about before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now...
A taste of what's to cum...

"Beneath the Mirrored Sky"

By Patrick White

Skimming the surface

It's all we know

Skimming the surface

What lyes below?

Beluga whales,Beluga whales

In the ocean.

They live in water

They don't need skin lotion.

"Sisters of Luna"

By Patrick White

In the night they cry

In our hearts they pry

Apart, they may live

Together, they will never die.

Sisters of the moon,

Sisters of the moon

They're just a bunch of kooky owl pals

actin' like buffoons. 

*** NOTE ***

-Some poems I post may be from different authors!

"A Length from Grace"

By Maya Angelou

Through a speckled lid

the sun retrieves a dusty heart

The walk back to the passed

remembers us a length apart.

Struggling to rise

a song bird's song supports my back

Lifted by the smell of plum pie 

The little things that take me back

they fade into the speckled lids

The length from you, it grows again

A simple southern daughter

Who's favorite album is 

"Chocolate Starfish and

Hot dog flavored water" 

Rests upon a seat

like hurricane winds

her brown eye heaves

What's left in the water is grace

a holy cherub

an angel's face.

L8R :p

<3- Patty

FUN FACT #8:

-Porpoises can swim very quickly in water, but only when they are in it.

#7 The deal with dolphins

Ok, so you may have gotten the gist from reading previous entries that I am a tad hostile towards dolphins, which is COMPLETELY false! How could I not love something so similar to a porpoise?!
Oh wait...

3 REASONS DOLPHINS DESERVE HATE:

3.) Dolphins gang murder and rape porpoises:
Here is video documentation of a pod of dolphins mercilessly bludgeoning a baby porpoise to death, and then playing with its dead body.

Wildlife experts theorize that this behavior is caused by the small size of the porpoise. Apparently, dolphins are only killing porpoises because porpoises are smaller and dolphins confuse them for baby dolphins. THAT'S RIGHT. Male dolphins routinely kill other male dolphin's babies so that their infant can have more food. "Oops! Sorry I killed you, happy baby porpoise. In my defense, I just thought you were a happy baby dolphin"

Well THAT'S logical! Ok, Infanticidal dolphin, you are forgiven!

2.) Look at this dolphin:

It's eating the border terrier from There's something about Mary's face.

What? Killing your own babies isn't enough murder for you?

1.) The fuck? 

IN CONCLUSION:

Hypothetically- 

If I accidentally poisoned a dolphin or 400 by

slipping uranium particles into bait fish and dumping them

into a rescued dolphin sanctuary

like I did yesterday... 

I don't wouldn't feel that bad about it.

:p

See ya l8r,

BaTtyBoUtPoRpzz09 

FUN FACT #7:

- Due to its mix of black and white coloration, the American Porpoise is often mistaken from afar for a juvenile orca. Less often, it is mistaken for Mariah Carey or Blake Griffin.

#6 Some super fun pics!

Hey everyone!

Being the day after Cinco de Mayo, I'm sure no one is really wanting to read 

a whole lot (we've all been there, teehee!)

So I thought I'd do everyone a favor by taking a load off their minds with some pics of...

PORCUPINES!!! Haha :P Kidding! Porpoises! Check it out!

I know what you're probably thinking: "Why would he even post that picture?!"

Well I happen to LOVE Lisa Frank's artwork and I couldn't find any trapper keepers with porpoises on them so, as my mom always says, "y'all just gonna have to settle for bottle-nosed dolphins!"

Have a great weekend, guys!

-Pat! :)

FUN FACT #6:

-Porpoises are one of several species of cetacean that are susceptible to training in captivity.

You can see porpoises in shows at various Aquatic amusement parks!

#5 A Special Surprise!

I've got a VERY special surprise for all of you! :)
Today, my friend Gina and I did a collabo on a song about my most favorite Cetacean, the porpoise! I wasn't sure at first about how Gina felt about porpoises, but I knew I was in good company when she said, "What the fuck is a porpoise? How the fuck did you get into my house?!" Just follow the link to the audio file and enjoy!
"Summer Cetacean" By Patrick & Gina <3

http://soundcloud.com/nastytrick/summer-cetacean

Tootles,

 Pat!

FUN FACT#5:

- Porpoises hunt in groups of around 5-10 other porpoises. These families are known as "pods". Not all pods are small, though. There have been sightings of porpoise pods with up to 50 porpoises together at once! WHOA! Dolphins also live in pods, but no one gives a fuck about dolphins.

#4: Can you guess what species of cetacean this is?

If you guessed "porpoise", you are WRONG :|
This is actually a larger species of cetacean known as a false killer whale or false orca. They are the middleman: bigger than porpoises, smaller than orcas! They are a lot darker colored than most cetaceans, so it is a lot harder for them to be spotted or catch a cab. They are also the scariest looking of sea mammals and the most likely to come up from behind and tell you not to scream.

I like to think that this dork is saying, "I know where your kids sleep, bitch" 

See, I told you this blog wasn't going to be just about porpoises!
Other cetaceans are also pretty cool too! :)

L8rG8r <3

F00tbaLLgUy89

FUN FACT #4:

- Dolphin pods often gang rape younger, solitary dolphins as an initiation into the pod. Now that would be one awkward after party! (J.K guys, dolphins don't party! :P)

#3: Two in one day? I'm getting greedy! ;P haha lol JK

I promised myself I wouldn't update more than once a day, but this amazing zephyr of inspiration came to me for a poem that was too amazing to pass up! It's a poem about our quirky aquatic "qwassmates" (tee hee), The PORPOISE of COURSE-iss (couldn't resist the rhyme teehee!)

"Sea Lover"

By...

Me of Course! :P

The darkest night envelopes me

as waves decide my drift to sleep

as moon says not what I may see

and yet my lover touches me.

Touching me so soft and still

Removed of scale, swim bladder or gill,

a dolphin, no

my lover gorgeous

none other than 
my sexual porpoise

He takes me with his flippers strong

He pulls me down

I feel so wrong

He reassures me with an

"Eeeeyaaaaghheeeiiii!!!!"

As our descent thus turns to flight

Like a plane with tiny wings

he slaps his tail into the night

into my orifice he sings

He nibbles gently, does not bite

until the subtle vibration brings

a lover's secretion, gooey in sight

And to my surprise, what beholds

he wants it all

into his blow hole

Into the night, he sings to me

"not in the face, no seriously"

My porpoise lover

an aquatic friend

our lustful lust 

comes to an end.

I had such a fun time reading this out loud. Poetry slams are the best! I only got to read this once, because the daycare I was performing at said I was being indecent. (More like THEY aren't down with PORPOISES!) YeAh RiGhT! >:/

I seriously will write every entry with an emphasis on porpoises.

XoxO

PorPoi5eGrL37

FUN FACT #3:

- Porpoises belong to a family known as Cetaceans! That includes many species of dolphins, pilot whales, orcas, false orcas, and many other fascinating species! So go eat a bag of labias.

Aw! A mother and a baby porpoise! I know what you're probably thinking: "Where's the dad?" Well this just so happens to be a species known as the Single Mother Porpoise, more commonly known in tropical regions as Slut Porpoise, or in more urban regions, LeCreesha.

#2: Second Day of Blogging :P

I really don't know why I deleted my xanga. It was the exact same thing as this. The stories on that site were beautiful memories; most fabricated memories of events that I wish had happened. Things like being skinny, or getting to go to a dance, or Lil' Kim burning down the school and stomping on a puppy in the street before defecating into a sewer drain. Little things like that. Deleting my xanga page was like aborting a child 4 years out of the womb.

~N-E-wHoz~

I wrote poems today in class with my pal, Gina! She is really fun! She is really nice and has a good personality as well! Too bad she looks like a bloody shit and farts like a badger in a lard factory. hAhahaAH FucCk U gIna ur DaA onlY 1 hoo reAdz dis! Here is a poem I wrote:

"Denied"

By 

Patrick White

How can this be?

How can this be that I am a stone?

A stone cast flimsily so

that not to cause ache in the castor's throw.

The courage I gather

in heaps

in mountains

The knot I hold slides down my sides

I have nothing left

nor anything to hide

You took my key

my grail of sorts

I seek retribution

through vaginal worts.

And thus I'm left naked

Amongst the lurching swarms

to find myself crystal.

Just sell me the fucking Four Loko.

Ben Folds.

It's a metaphor for getting your fake taken at Palmer fest. #i'mdeep

~That was fun! Moving on...~

We all had dinner for Caleb's birthday today at a REALLY nice restaurant. I think he liked it because when he found out where we had planned on taking him, he spit in my face and broke my knee cap. Then, he scalped me and stuff it into Kylie's anus. What a guy! Sarah Hess sat next to me! She had a bowl of french fries, so I snuck one :) I tried to grab another, but she had a steak knife in her purse and used it on my stomach about 5 times. There's still blood in my mouth :)
 Also, Carole was there. Fuck her. SERIOUSLY.

Omgzz Improv show tomorrow! Wish me fuck! Haha Jk I meant LucCCCkkkkkkKK HahHAH heeh teehhee haaahehehahehehaa 

There's a void inside me destroying my fucking soul.

XoXO feckyew

FUN FACT #2:

-Researchers from Wildlife Observational Society recently discovered during a dive near the Florida Keys that Porpoises are pretty neat.

#1: My First Entry!!!! :)

This blog isn't really about porpoises, but as a gimmick to keep the masses trampling back for more, I will try and include one neat fact about our sea-dwelling aquatic cousins in every post. I will also try and provide cool pictures to show you! Porpoises and other cetacean species WILL be a recurring theme, though- So, get ready to learn some new things! After all, porpoises are fun! :) oh, but if ur one uh dem bottle-nosed dolphin lovin' fagguts, I sudjest you wunder summere else. THIS. IS. AMAIRKA.

I guess bottle-nosed dolphins kin be paytreeyotick tooz

~Anywho~

 I have a ten page script due for screenwriting tomorrow. Perhaps I should be doing that instead of writing a homophobically patriotic blog post about sea mammals. Nah. Porpoises are fun!

XOXO- gossip girl

FUN FACT #1:
-According to a 1997 study performed a few miles off the coast of New Zealand by accredited marine wildlife conservationists working in cooperation with Conservation International and Columbia University, Porpoises are fun.