I have something I need to tell you. There is a reason I haven't blogged in over a year. It may be safer if I keep my mouth shut, but as crazy as things have been lately, what have I got to lose?
At the start of this blog, things were good. I was posting and people were really paying attention to me. I had finally found an outlet that people were really invested in; they were actually listening. "People really do care about porpoises!" I thought. I was in the spotlight. People left and right were exclaiming how wonderful my blog was. "It's really awesome! You really know a lot about porpoises. You're so smart... and hot" said a friend of mine who wishes to stay anonymous. "You're blog's really awesome! You really know a lot about porpoises. You're so smart... and so really hot times two." said a parent of mine who wishes to stay anonymous. The attention that I was getting was so flattering, so fulfilling. I was eating it all up like it was a school of Pacific herring. But I got cocky, big-headed even. I started running my mouth, and when your mouth starts running, someone is eventually going to catch it...
October 18, 2011
It was the middle of the afternoon, around 3 or 3:30PM. Probably 4PM. Not 5PM though. It was 2:38PM. I was sitting on the patio of my apartment at the time with my then-roommates, Kylie and Caleb. The air outside was cool, but the sun bathed the land in warmth; light jacket weather. Fall was late to show its true face, as the grass and trees across campus still held their ripe, green demeanor. "Those trees look ripe", I admired. "Those motherfucking trees look green", Kylie quipped. "Those trees look demeanor." Caleb speakened (Caleb suffered an untreated head injury after a severe bike accident which he did not have enough beer money to afford medical attention). We were having drinks that day; a celebration of the immensely positive reception of the blog post I had released the day before entitled "#12 Creepy Crawlies= Yikes! Or Do They?". Mojitos were our pick of poison as we jauntily fawned over my newfound stardom. "We should use all of the fucking money you make from advertising to print out some fucking pamphlets about why being a fucking vegetarian is enough good-doing to not have to fucking recycle.", Kylie quipped. "Yes, we should shall do." replorted Caleb. Our spirits couldn't have been any higher. That's when I heard it; the sound of cold, wet pectoral fin slapping against our front door... "Dolphins." the horrid word escaped my breath as my mojito fell in slow motion, shattering on the patio. "Hey motherfucker, you better clean that shit up, motherfucker.", quipped Kylie, but I could not hear her over the crescendoing wave of shear terror that began increasing from a foreboding hum to an unbearable roar. "Run." I urged through a Laura Dern clenched jaw. "RUN." I repeated. My roommates followed me as I slowly made my way from the patio indoors to our living room. Caleb looked confused. "Where to we running from, Trapick?" he inquirasked. Kylie quickly walked towards the door, but before she could get close to it, they were in our apartment. Two bottlenose dolphins somersaulted into the kitchen. The one on the left had a scar across its eye. The one on the right had side-parted bangs. "Hey you shithead motherfuckers, why you bother knocking if you're just going to come flippin in like some gay shit or whatever?" Kylie quipped. Almost instantly, "Scar" took her to the ground, pummeling her like a fleshy drum with his large, grey flippers. "Klylie, nooooor!" Caleb shoutled. Tufts of hair and ribbons of skin and pink tissue decorated the air around Scar as he stripped her face down to the skull. "Fuck." Kylie quipped. Still in shock, I watched helplessly as "Bangs" advanced towards Caleb in somersaults as bottlenose dolphins naturally do. "What will you do to me are you?" Caleb pleaged. Instantly, Bangs thrusted her underbelly forwarded, revealing a gaping genital slit. "No stop do please that to me don't!" Caleb again pleaged. Lining up its genital slit with Caleb's head, Bangs let out a loud grunt as a spray of pink mucus shrouded Caleb's head which quickly acted as a lasso, reeling his head into the dolphin's spumous slit. Caleb's screams became muffled as his entire head entered the beasts bulbous canal. "Don't you fuckin' hurt him you gay ass bitch" quipped Kylie's skeleton face. With another loud grunt, Bangs tensed all of the muscles in her genital slit. Instant decapitation. Blood sprayed profusely from the gaping stump that was once Caleb's neck as his body rose to its feet and began just kind of like walking back and forth strangely. "You fuckin' bitch you took my boyfriends head and now I can no longer live without him, motherfucker." Quipped skeleton-face Kylie as she threw Scar off of her and sprung to her feet. "I am nothing without a motherfucking man in my life to fulfill my goals as a fucking woman! Take me too, gay bitch motherfucker!" Quickly, skeleton-face Kylie sprinted forward towards Bangs, plunging her faceless head deep within the beastly creature's spumescent slit. "Fucking kill me! Kill me!!!!" quipped skullhead Kylie. With a third grunt, Bangs squeezed. Instant decapitation. Blood sprayed profusely from the gaping stump that was once Kylie's neck as her body rose to its feet and began just kind of like walking back and forth strangely with Caleb's body. In all of the commotion, I hadn't realized a third intruder had entered my apartment. As Kylie and Caleb's bodies did this weird thing where they, like, were bumping into eachother and stuff, I felt the cold, slimy weight of a large pectoral flipper land on my shoulder. "Oh no. OH NO." I smelled its breath on my neck, an all too familiar-in-the-worst-way smell. It was the smell of arapaima, a large commercial fish native to the Amazon river. It was an amazon river dolphin, an endangered species of dolphin with a white/pinkish complexion and a long, gharial-like beak. I knew him, his name was Brendan. I knew him because we dated when I was 10. "Remember me?!" he screamed in a shrill falsetto. "Yeah because you're Brendan and we dated" I said. And then he said "No, I'm Mark?" and I said "Oh I must have had you confused with another dolphin I dated." So it wasn't really Brendan, it was now Mark. Isn't that confusing? But he really looked and shrill-falsetto-scream-talked just like Brendan did and the first thing he said to me was "Remember me?" so that threw me off. Why would he say that to me if I didn't know him, you know? I miss Brendan. Anyways, I spent the next ten years being held captive as his sex-slave in his basement at his townhouse in Maine, where I developed stockholm syndrome and I started cleaning his house in exchange for one meal a day that I ate off of the concrete floor in his basement after he was done sodomizing me with his beak.
So that's why I haven't blogged in a while. See ya!
FUN FACT #12:
Like my feelings about my father's death, Porpoises' stomachs are compartmentalized.