Sunday, January 13, 2013

#13 I haven't posted in over a year YEESH

Wow! Has it really been over a year since my last post? As they say, time really does fly when you're... when you're... when...
I have something I need to tell you. There is a reason I haven't blogged in over a year. It may be safer if I keep my mouth shut, but as crazy as things have been lately, what have I got to lose?
At the start of this blog, things were good. I was posting and people were really paying attention to me. I had finally found an outlet that people were really invested in; they were actually listening. "People really do care about porpoises!" I thought. I was in the spotlight. People left and right were exclaiming how wonderful my blog was. "It's really awesome! You really know a lot about porpoises. You're so smart... and hot" said a friend of mine who wishes to stay anonymous. "You're blog's really awesome! You really know a lot about porpoises. You're so smart... and so really hot times two." said a parent of mine who wishes to stay anonymous. The attention that I was getting was so flattering, so fulfilling. I was eating it all up like it was a school of Pacific herring. But I got cocky, big-headed even. I started running my mouth, and when your mouth starts running, someone is eventually going to catch it...

October 18, 2011
It was the middle of the afternoon, around 3 or 3:30PM. Probably 4PM. Not 5PM though. It was 2:38PM. I was sitting on the patio of my apartment at the time with my then-roommates, Kylie and Caleb. The air outside was cool, but the sun bathed the land in warmth; light jacket weather. Fall was late to show its true face, as the grass and trees across campus still held their ripe, green demeanor. "Those trees look ripe", I admired. "Those motherfucking trees look green", Kylie quipped. "Those trees look demeanor." Caleb speakened (Caleb suffered an untreated head injury after a severe bike accident which he did not have enough beer money to afford medical attention). We were having drinks that day; a celebration of the immensely positive reception of the blog post I had released the day before entitled "#12 Creepy Crawlies= Yikes! Or Do They?". Mojitos were our pick of poison as we jauntily fawned over my newfound stardom. "We should use all of the fucking money you make from advertising to print out some fucking pamphlets about why being a fucking vegetarian is enough good-doing to not have to fucking recycle.", Kylie quipped. "Yes, we should shall do." replorted Caleb. Our spirits couldn't have been any higher. That's when I heard it; the sound of cold, wet pectoral fin slapping against our front door... "Dolphins." the horrid word escaped my breath as my mojito fell in slow motion, shattering on the patio. "Hey motherfucker, you better clean that shit up, motherfucker.", quipped Kylie, but I could not hear her over the crescendoing wave of shear terror that began increasing from a foreboding hum to an unbearable roar. "Run." I urged through a Laura Dern clenched jaw. "RUN." I repeated. My roommates followed me as I slowly made my way from the patio indoors to our living room. Caleb looked confused. "Where to we running from, Trapick?" he inquirasked. Kylie quickly walked towards the door, but before she could get close to it, they were in our apartment. Two bottlenose dolphins somersaulted into the kitchen. The one on the left had a scar across its eye. The one on the right had side-parted bangs. "Hey you shithead motherfuckers, why you bother knocking if you're just going to come flippin in like some gay shit or whatever?" Kylie quipped. Almost instantly, "Scar" took her to the ground, pummeling her like a fleshy drum with his large, grey flippers. "Klylie, nooooor!" Caleb shoutled. Tufts of hair and ribbons of skin and pink tissue decorated the air around Scar as he stripped her face down to the skull. "Fuck." Kylie quipped. Still in shock, I watched helplessly as "Bangs" advanced towards Caleb in somersaults as bottlenose dolphins naturally do. "What will you do to me are you?" Caleb pleaged. Instantly, Bangs thrusted her underbelly forwarded, revealing a gaping genital slit. "No stop do please that to me don't!" Caleb again pleaged. Lining up its genital slit with Caleb's head, Bangs let out a loud grunt as a spray of pink mucus shrouded Caleb's head which quickly acted as a lasso, reeling his head into the dolphin's spumous slit. Caleb's screams became muffled as his entire head entered the beasts bulbous canal. "Don't you fuckin' hurt him you gay ass bitch" quipped Kylie's skeleton face. With another loud grunt, Bangs tensed all of the muscles in her genital slit. Instant decapitation. Blood sprayed profusely from the gaping stump that was once Caleb's neck as his body rose to its feet and began just kind of like walking back and forth strangely. "You fuckin' bitch you took my boyfriends head and now I can no longer live without him, motherfucker." Quipped skeleton-face Kylie as she threw Scar off of her and sprung to her feet. "I am nothing without a motherfucking man in my life to fulfill my goals as a fucking woman! Take me too, gay bitch motherfucker!" Quickly, skeleton-face Kylie sprinted forward towards Bangs, plunging her faceless head deep within the beastly creature's spumescent slit. "Fucking kill me! Kill me!!!!" quipped skullhead Kylie. With a third grunt, Bangs squeezed. Instant decapitation. Blood sprayed profusely from the gaping stump that was once Kylie's neck as her body rose to its feet and began just kind of like walking back and forth strangely with Caleb's body. In all of the commotion, I hadn't realized a third intruder had entered my apartment. As Kylie and Caleb's bodies did this weird thing where they, like, were bumping into eachother and stuff, I felt the cold, slimy weight of a large pectoral flipper land on my shoulder. "Oh no. OH NO." I smelled its breath on my neck, an all too familiar-in-the-worst-way smell. It was the smell of arapaima, a large commercial fish native to the Amazon river. It was an amazon river dolphin, an endangered species of dolphin with a white/pinkish complexion and a long, gharial-like beak. I knew him, his name was Brendan. I knew him because we dated when I was 10. "Remember me?!" he screamed in a shrill falsetto. "Yeah because you're Brendan and we dated" I said. And then he said "No, I'm Mark?" and I said "Oh I must have had you confused with another dolphin I dated." So it wasn't really Brendan, it was now Mark. Isn't that confusing? But he really looked and shrill-falsetto-scream-talked just like Brendan did and the first thing he said to me was "Remember me?" so that threw me off. Why would he say that to me if I didn't know him, you know? I miss Brendan. Anyways, I spent the next ten years being held captive as his sex-slave in his basement at his townhouse in Maine, where I developed stockholm syndrome and I started cleaning his house in exchange for one meal a day that I ate off of the concrete floor in his basement after he was done sodomizing me with his beak.

So that's why I haven't blogged in a while. See ya!

- DatBoiUWishCleanedUrHouse4Food

Like my feelings about my father's death, Porpoises' stomachs are compartmentalized.

Monday, October 17, 2011

#12 Creepy Crawlies= YIKES! Or do they?

Greetings from the keyboard, everyone!
I'm trying more and more to keep up with writing this blog but it's just so hard sometimes to think of what to write about! I sit and ponder for minutes at a time, thinking my very hardest of things that you guys would find fascinating AND fun ("Pat, why don't you just write about cupcakes then?" I KNOW, right?! :P)
While porpoises are interesting, fun, amazing, unique, entrancing, and the sole reason I cut, there is only so much I can write about them before I want to MiX iT uP! So, for this VERY SPECIAL post, I will be writing about...





Wait for it...




"Spit it out already, ya doofus!"


This post is going to be about...


"No way! I can't wait! You're hot."

I wanted to show you guys some pictures of:
1: The Prettiest
2: The Cutest
3: The Biggest
4: The Scariest
5: The Whackiest
7: The Grossest
creepy crawlies in the world!!!!!

Here we go!

1: The Prettiest-
The Orchideous Mantis!
A truly beautiful predator that waits in flowers for its prey! 

2: The Cutest-
A baby jumping spider! 
This little guy is the definition of a Q-T!

3: The Biggest-
The Atlas Moth!
At 14 inches across, the Atlas Moth is the largest moth in the world!

4: The Scariest-
The Huntsman Spider! 
What if you wiped with it?

5: The Whackiest-
A Praying Mantis!
What in the hail does this lil' fella think he's doin?!
Catching a cab?!

6: The Grossest-
These creepy crawlies are not only gross, they're ruining our economy!


Well, that wraps up this post! I hope you learned a thing or two about some very interesting invertebrates, and maybe you were even a little inspired to go exploring species on your own! The insect world is a wonderful and weird place that we humans are still learning much about. Unlike ethnic integration/equality, bugs shouldn't scare you because they are a natural part of our ecosystem and an essential factor in the equation of all living things! Be mindful of that the next time you go to squish that spider in your kitchen, who is only eating all the grimy bugs trying to eat the food in your cabinets. You should leave the spider be, because in a way, spiders are like border patrol; keeping things the way they should be...



'Til next time!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

#11 Catching up PLUS Reviews!!!

Hey Dudes and Dudettes! How's it flippin'?! :P
It's been an H-E-double C-K of a long time since I've updated this and you're probably thinking:

"You're so hot. Date me"

Whoa! Easy! This is a clean blog people! ;)

All joshin' aside, I haven't really gotten around to updating this for 6 Major Reasons:

1.) I've moved home from the University for summer vacation! Yahhooo!! :)
2.) I don't have internet at home currently :( Yeah it stinks, but I'm grateful for everything else I have!
3.) I've been travelling all over the state to keep up with my friends from school. They're da BeSt!
4.)My Pelvis was crushed in a car accident. I had reconstructive surgery and am glad that everyone is ok!!!! 
5.) I was raped by my mom's boyfriend post-surgery, which rebroke my pelvis and required another operation.
6.) I'm ADDICTED to the New season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! I mean Khloe; can you even believe her?! :P

In other news, I've been receiving a lot of reviews about my blog! SOOOOO exciting! 
Not everything was good, but you know, you take things with a grain of salt and you get better :)
Here are some things people have said! 

"Your blog is about porpoises..."
-Kaitlin Shultz

"I'll look at it later."
-Cat Abood

"That's funny! Oh, I wasn't talking about your blog. 
 I was thinking about something that happened in the Hangover 2."
-Nate Dicken

"Don't mention me in it."
-Carole Ivan

"Patrick, I said that I would look at it later. Let go of my arm."
-Cat Abood

"Your blog rocks! Can I go now?"
-Sam Stefanak

"Please. You don't have to do this. 
People will be looking for me."
-Cat Abood  (R.I.P)

"Patrick. I know you know where Cat is.
Please... We need closure."
-Sarah Hess (R.I.P)

"Hey man. Sorry to hear about what your 
mom's boyfriend did to you. How's your pelvis?"
-Luke Null

"I don't care that you're already hurt.
That's what makes it feel so good."
-Mom's boyfriend

"Why can't you just give us
closure?! Oh and I really like your blog 
by the way. Cetaceans? Pretty neat stuff!"
-Mary Abood (R.I.P)

Great to know that I ACTUALLY have readers! 
My next post will hopefully be more informative, and who knows? It might have to do with other animals I find interesting (creepy crawlies, anyone?) I'm not just a one trick pony, ya know! haha lol jk :P

C U L8r! 
<3 Ready2Write :)

- "The Cove" is a documentary about the poaching/slaughter of dolphins by Japanese fisherman and NOT a love story about Dakota Fanning learning life lessons from a disabled dolphin while on vacation with her foster parents. Either way, I came buckets.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

#10 A History Lesson

'Sup guys!
Haven't posted in a while so I thought this time I'd fill you in with a quick lesson in sea mammal history!
Porpoises haven't always been as cute and playful as they are today. If you believe in evolution (meaning you aren't some no-life, corn-fed, inbred, retarded scumcunt) you will find this very insightful!

During the Miocene epoch, the time period that ranged from about 23 million to 5 million years ago, there lived one of the earliest cetaceans, Eurhinodelphis. It was very similar in size to porpoises and dolphins of today, reaching a little over 6 feet long. What was so interesting about it? Its snout (or beak in cetacean terms) was elongated like that of the bill of a swordfish and was very sharp, which it used to swipe at prey. This menacingly dangerous protrusion was not the only thing that made it terrifying, though.

According to this artist's depiction, it also was also colored with cheap rose art colored pencils and had Gilbert Gottfried eyes...

Wow. Gilby's eyes are more Gilbert Gottfried-y than Gilbert Gottfried's

I didn't know sea mammals could have down syndrome!
Probably better that it's extinct then, huh?

Have a great week!

- Sometimes when I think about porpoises, my gums bleed.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

#9 .,-*^*-,..,-*^*-,. Inspiration .,-*^*-,..,-*^*-,

I hope you guys are enjoying my poetry lately! I don't want to over do it with all of these poetic entries, but I became VERY inspired the other day to write a poem that I think y'all will enjoy!
A lot of my poetry may be very serious in tone, but I can write happy poetry to0! :)

Summer Sassin'
By Patrick White :)

Sittin' outside
lemonade in hand
you say 
"Hey, I'm going in"
"No!" I say
I'm fun and feisty
I'm always
Summer sassin'!

Sittin' in doors
on the couch
you say
"Hey turn the tv back on! I was watchin' that!"
"No!" I say
It's so nice outside
Don't look now! I'm
Summer sassin'!

Lowerin' into the ground
Mom says 
"Patrick, your father loved you very much"
"No!" I say
It's too nice outside to just be layin' 'round!
Don't be a bozo! Start
Summer sassin'!

You are why I cut.

Have a great day, ya'll!
<3 Pat! :)

-Porpoises are very playful and are very friendly towards human interaction! But, they are still wild animals, so remember that they deserve their space ;P

Monday, May 16, 2011

#8 Solid Poetry.

Hey y'all ;p
How are you doing? How was your day?
 I just ate a turkey wrap with HOT SAUCE! (yow)

I thought I'd start incorporating some different things into this blog.
I've posted poetry before, but I would like to start posting pictures and then using said picture as inspiration for an on-the-spot poem!
I know, you're probably/most likely/definitely/please be saying,
"WHOA! How's he gonna do all that?! I love him a lot. 
He should call me more"

My answer to that is: 
"I would like to start calling you more" 

These pictures/poems won't necessarily always be about/of porpoises, but most will.
I'm gonna show you things you've never even thought about before.

And now...
A taste of what's to cum...

"Beneath the Mirrored Sky"
By Patrick White

Skimming the surface
It's all we know
Skimming the surface
What lyes below?
Beluga whales,Beluga whales
In the ocean.
They live in water
They don't need skin lotion.

"Sisters of Luna"
By Patrick White

In the night they cry
In our hearts they pry
Apart, they may live
Together, they will never die.
Sisters of the moon,
Sisters of the moon
They're just a bunch of kooky owl pals
actin' like buffoons. 

*** NOTE ***
-Some poems I post may be from different authors!

"A Length from Grace"
By Maya Angelou

Through a speckled lid
the sun retrieves a dusty heart
The walk back to the passed
remembers us a length apart.
Struggling to rise
a song bird's song supports my back
Lifted by the smell of plum pie 
The little things that take me back
they fade into the speckled lids
The length from you, it grows again
A simple southern daughter
Who's favorite album is 
"Chocolate Starfish and
Hot dog flavored water" 
Rests upon a seat
like hurricane winds
her brown eye heaves
What's left in the water is grace
a holy cherub
an angel's face.

L8R :p
<3- Patty

-Porpoises can swim very quickly in water, but only when they are in it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

#7 The deal with dolphins

Ok, so you may have gotten the gist from reading previous entries that I am a tad hostile towards dolphins, which is COMPLETELY false! How could I not love something so similar to a porpoise?!
Oh wait...


3.) Dolphins gang murder and rape porpoises:
Here is video documentation of a pod of dolphins mercilessly bludgeoning a baby porpoise to death, and then playing with its dead body.
Wildlife experts theorize that this behavior is caused by the small size of the porpoise. Apparently, dolphins are only killing porpoises because porpoises are smaller and dolphins confuse them for baby dolphins. THAT'S RIGHT. Male dolphins routinely kill other male dolphin's babies so that their infant can have more food. "Oops! Sorry I killed you, happy baby porpoise. In my defense, I just thought you were a happy baby dolphin"
Well THAT'S logical! Ok, Infanticidal dolphin, you are forgiven!

2.) Look at this dolphin:
It's eating the border terrier from There's something about Mary's face.
What? Killing your own babies isn't enough murder for you?

1.) The fuck? 



If I accidentally poisoned a dolphin or 400 by

slipping uranium particles into bait fish and dumping them

into a rescued dolphin sanctuary

like I did yesterday... 

I don't wouldn't feel that bad about it.

See ya l8r,

- Due to its mix of black and white coloration, the American Porpoise is often mistaken from afar for a juvenile orca. Less often, it is mistaken for Mariah Carey or Blake Griffin.